50 Shades of Grey has received marked attention as so many women appear obsessed with this book/series. Why, is the question asked to this relationship expert by women, men, and the media. This blog article shares my analysis and the 3 key reasons.
The first book (the specific focus of this article), often referred to as “mommy porn” is not my type of read personally due to my instinct to analyze the characters from a professional lens. Therefore the book does not serve the meal it is supposed to for my palate. The dynamics of relationship development, relational-sexual discovery, sexual power, dominance and submission, sexual negotiations, sexual exploration; all of this is mentally stimulating and a sexually arousing topic in and of itself, which is why many women do enjoy this read and I too am interested personally and professionally in such topics, when written in a different style, a different form, presenting in a much different way. Although, this in and of itself is not enough of an answer for the obsession for so many women, therefore let us look further. For this blog is not an opinion piece as to my opinion on the book. Rather, this blog intends to go at it from a different angle, specifically my understanding of women’s desires per women’s report and reaction to this book.
Although many people ask me personally what I think of the book, and I hope I have now answered that question, it is more so my professional opinion as a relationship expert with a specialty in women’s and men’s issues that many are interested in, so let us examine my theory further.
Why are so many women obsessed with the book 50 Shades of Grey:
From a relational and human behavioral lens, a marriage therapist perspective, and from a psychotherapist’s mind’s eye, I will share that this book taps into what many working women and mothers want to read about because it is what they yearn for as they do not have these components in their sexual marital relationship and that is; the passionate and intense exploration of sexual self and one’s sexual self in a relationship.
The reason why this particular book has brought in so many readers is that it offers 3 concrete things that so many women of this generation of working women and mothers want and need, long for and are far too often not receiving in their marriage/from their spouse.
- 1) Women want to be taken:
Women want to be wanted and desired by a man who is aroused by them and takes them because he not only is so turned on by her, in addition he considers her a sexual human being, and sees her as such. A man who knows what he wants and takes it, and what he wants is you and takes you is; hot, sexy, desirable, and makes women feel sexy, sexual, and sensual. Powerful men are so desirable because typically they know what they want and they take what they want. The thing is, a man does not have to be powerful at work, successful and accomplished to take his woman. Whether you are a house-spouse, are your own boss, work at a gas station, are a doctor, lawyer, chef, nurse, work in construction, or any job, the point here is; your wife wants to be taken.
“Women want you to want them” – Click to Tweet
Men, here is what women are stating: “Do not ask if I am in the mood, do not roll over and hint mildly that you are interested in having sexual relations”. None of this is sexy for a woman. Women want you to want “it” from them not just because you want sex. Sex in and of itself is not enough. Women want the “it” to be that you want to have a sexual party with them in particular and that you as the man will create that party, lead that party, take the party to where it is a blast. Specifically the party desired is to include; cake, frosting, sprinkles, and the cherry on top too. Women want you to whip this tasty treat together from scratch and bring them to the cake, give it to them, serve them this cake, and eat it with them. The cake should not be the exact same recipe each time either.
Bottom line: the working woman, the mother, who is your wife, wants you to take her.
- 2) Women want sexual relations to be exciting:
Working women and mothers and sometimes, if not often, are indeed both, experience sexual relations as one more thing on their ‘to do’ list for their husband. The sexual relationship is not about me it’s about him is how they often feel. This is the reality of what has become for far too many couples.
“Sexual creativity is a lack of monotony” – Click to Tweet
Sexual creativity is a lack of monotony, and women want creativity and are super bored and sexually frustrated from the monotony that has become their sexual relational existence.
Sexual excitement and adventure is what women want and need. Many women do not even admit to themselves this is what they need or want. They put sex on the back burner due to taking care of all the responsibilities in their life they view as priority over sex. Over time women start to believe they do not even need sex or want it for that matter, until a book like this comes along and reminds them that they have closed the door to something that wants to be re-opened.
Women never learned sex is a priority and therefore most do not view it as such. Sex is the one area in the life of a woman that they desperately need to feel free, free of themselves, their worries, their obligations, their responsibilities and want you as the man to be the creative exciting one so they can feel free to enjoy. Sexual exploration can be an opportunity to escape the everyday and one’s mind, yet for many working mothers due to the lack of exciting sex, they not only are not escaping the day’s thoughts and enjoying their sexual interaction, rather they are thinking of all of the things they need to do while having sex. This is a prime example of why there are far too many women who want the “bad boy”. It is not that women want to be mistreated emotionally. Rather, often the “bad boy” is sexually invested, creative, and exciting in the bedroom as all heck. So men, if you are a “good guy”, know that as much as your wife adores you and appreciates the man that you are, her sexual self needs sexual excitement and this responsibility is on you to access your bad boy sexual self while remaining the good guy that you are!
For many married women the sexual exploration of self and the sexual relationship has become dull, whereas at one time, most likely during the early stage of the relationship, the sexual relationship was exciting because it was new. Sex is no longer new for the working woman, for the mother, for the wife, it is old, stale, boring, and predictable. Women want the man to make it exciting and keep it exciting. This book has awakened the sexual side of many working women and mothers that has been laying dormant and was waiting to be re-awakened and stimulated.
Bottom line: Women want men to be sexually creative, so, do the work men.
- 3) Communicating is exhausting! Women want men to know what they want sexually without the women having to ask:
Communicating your needs, sexual or otherwise has become the accepted method to help one’s spouse, or any person you are in a relationship with know what you need and want. Therefore, communicating your needs has become accepted as the key to good sex, but over worked women and mothers spend so much time communicating outside of the bedroom what they need, want, what has to be done, that to have to communicate in the bedroom too, is frustrating and exhausting. Therefore, women often choose not to communicate their needs because they feel it is not worth it, it takes too much energy and they feel spent. They are spent from communicating! Besides, “the man should just know what to do”, is how many women feel.
“Women want their spouse to know how to please them” – Click to Tweet
Far too many married women are sexually starved. Why then do these women not communicate what they need if they are sexually starved? As explained above, women are exhausted from communicating what they want. In addition to being sick and tired of constantly communicating what they want and need, most of these same women spend so much time pleasing others and attending to others’ needs, that they yearn to be pleased! Women simply (or perhaps not so simply) want their spouse to just know how to please them so they do not have to communicate one more thing they want.
Many women feel overly responsible in their life feeling they are constantly serving the needs of others (e.g., family, work). It is these very women that desire one area of their life where they can give up responsibility for and rather be served. They want their man to figure out what to do sexually and explore the sexual relationship and their body out of raw desire, interest, passion, and creativity that their man has in their woman.
Bottom line: Women do not want to communicate what they want sexually, they want the man to know what they want, and if they do not know then make it look like they know, figure it out by taking action.
- Summary of why so many women are interested in this book:
It is what women do not have that they are enjoying reading about, hence why so many women are enjoying this book. Too many working women and mothers are lacking the 3 pieces of the sexual relational puzzle mentioned above and thus are getting it from this piece of literature.
- Important Note – Being “taken” in a trusting sexual relationship is the desire, women do not wish to be raped:
Women desire a trusting relationship and wish to be “taken” sexually within that trusting healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship that is missing the sexual fulfillment ingredient lacking in sexual excitement and exploration – that is the relationship piece that so many women want to be added to their relationship. Therefore it is important to note that the particular sexual choices made between the characters in the book may not be what the reader wants in their sexual relationship. Rather, it is the theme of the 3 ingredients shared above that many working women and mothers are looking for that 50 Shades of Grey has tapped into, not necessarily for their significant other to follow the book as though it is a script.
The inference is not that a woman wants some man she does not trust to “take” her against her will, inferring that women wish to be raped, which some question. No, being “taken” is about wanting to be taken not forced to be taken. Being “taken” in a trusting relationship is not comparable to a trauma such as rape. Forced sexual relations against a woman’s will is never acceptable and some wonder, question, and worry that this book/series infers that is what women want. No, women do not want to be forced to do something sexually they do not want to do! Women do not want to be raped.
Click here to learn about my secrets for a happy and healthy marriage.
- FOX 25 News Boston interviews Dr. Karen Ruskin:
If you wish to view the special report on FOX 25 News Boston May 23rd 10 PM with reporter Sara Underwood’s interview of Dr. Karen Ruskin discussing women and their obsession with 50 Shades of Grey, click here.
Added note 6 months following the publication of this article: Available for viewing on demand a 30 minute panel discussion with Dr. Karen Ruskin on HUFF POST LIVE with host Abby Huntsman – check it out.