Feeling sexually deprived in marriage is not uncommon. The myth is that it is only married men who feel sexually deprived. The fact is, married women too experience sexual deprivation. Whether you are a man or a woman, yearning for sexual intimacy with your spouse is a healthy desire. Longing for sexual intimacy left unfulfilled in quantity and quality is a challenge, and a taboo topic for many.
As a Psychotherapist who has been providing marriage counseling since 1993 I will share with you this secret; if you and your spouse lead an inactive sexual relationship, and your mate is not asexual, then your mate is not happy about this lack of intimacy. Not such a secret… huh.
This blog article is not a discussion about different desires in frequency. Nor is this article focusing on couples who are generally sexually active but the quality is not as fulfilling as one or both desires. This blog is focusing on the married group of couples who there is truly barely to no sexual intimacy. Thus, quality is lacking because quantity is lacking. Thus, there is no experience of quality enhancement as quantity is little to non existent.
Case Scenario A:
I am not interested in being sexually intimate with my husband. I do have some sexual desire, but not as much as him. I do love him, I want to remain married to him, but I wish he would leave me alone sexually. As the years have progressed, he does leave me alone now . . . for the most part. So we rarely talk about our lack of sexual intimacy. But on occasion he does bring our lack of sexual intimacy up in conversation still. Sometimes in jokes. Other times in frustration. Several months pass at a time and maybe we’ll have sexual intimacy once, to then go several more months perhaps a year or longer before we will be intimate again. Maybe on vacation, if that. Definitely not weekly, nor monthly.
Outcome For Scenario A:
Husband lives an existence in marriage where he is sexually deprived. He either: a) goes for massages with a “happy ending”, b) has had, is having, or is considering having an affair, c) will eventually leave the marriage once the kids are older, or d) lives sexually unfulfilled and masturbates (which leaves him unfulfilled), despite this he remains. The lack of sexual fulfillment, the lack of sexual intimacy, actual sexual deprivation is a real thing. Without sexual intimacy in marriage, the person feels unloved, unwanted.
For those living a similar existence to case scenario A, consider what action to take, both husband and wife to attend to this lack of sexual marital intimacy. Rather than the relationship continue to decline and disconnect sexually as the years continue, take action.
Case Scenario B:
I do not have much of a sexual drive. I do not have sexual needs, as far back as I can recall I never really did. My wife does have sexual desires and she is longing for sexual activity with me. But I do not fulfill this need of hers. I am loving in every other way, this is who I am. Or, the scenario rather is: I never had a large sex drive, but it was certainly more than it currently is. I just don’t have an interest in being sexual with my wife, although I did at one time. I do still love her and wish to remain married to her.
Outcome For Scenario B:
Wife lives an existence in marriage where she is sexually deprived. She either: a) has had, is having, or is considering having an affair, or b) will eventually leave the marriage, or c) lives sexually unfilled and masturbates (which leaves her unfulfilled), despite this she remains. As explained in scenario A, action does need to be taken.
Recommendation For Scenario A and B:
Whether your life has more similarity to scenario A or scenario B, or no similarity to either scenario and is your own unique scenario but under the topic header of ‘sexual deprivation’ due to a little to non existent sexual relationship with your spouse, the bottom line is the same. The bottom line is: if you are married and one of the members within the marital unit would like to have a sexually intimate marriage, and the other does not wish to, this is a conflict that is not silly. This is a problem that is not to be ignored. This is a problem that affects the person who feels sexually deprived, the person’s mate, and the couple unit.
Is there something so wrong with “hooking your spouse up” with sexual pleasure even if you are not in the mood? Am I stating something wrong here? Think of all of the things that you do on a day to day basis for your spouse that you may not feel in the mood to do. Of course, certainly, ideally my hope for you as a couple is to find your sexual couple style. My desire for you is to connect in a sexually intimate way that pleases both of you in quantity and in quality. That is the goal. The goal is to find a healthy sexual balance of quantity and quality that fits for both the husband and the wife.
With that in mind, today’s blog is addressing the one specific topic which is to take action if there’s no sexual intimacy. Yes, agreed, create a healthy fulfilling sexual marital relationship is the ideal. I am spotlighting the specific piece of sexual deprivation that I far too often hear men and women report. And let me tell you, it hurts them. Is it not the responsibility, the obligation of the spouse to do something about this rather than keep their spouse dry not to give any water at all?
Those married men and women who are sexually deprived often feel guilty expressing their disappointment, since in all other ways they feel so blessed. They feel almost bratty wanting sexual intimacy. So, I will be the voice for those sexually deprived husbands and wives and state: your desire to have a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse is just that – healthy. It is a normal need, it is not bratty, no matter how good you have it in all of the other areas of your life. If there truly is barely to no sexual intimacy in your marriage, this is not something to feel guilty about wanting. Continue to keep the lines of communication with your spouse open and figure out as a marital team what can be done about this particular challenge. Just as you would converse about any other challenge, tackle it together… as a team.
Don’t sweep sexual intimacy under the rug and ignore it. As it is indeed the pink elephant in the room. Like most ignored topics, it surfaces out in other ways and/or will eventually lead to an outcome that is not a happy one.
If your spouse is sexually deprived, do something about it. Take action today. Fill their cup. Take your man, take your woman, kiss them, caress them, feed them this meal they are so hungry for. And then, feel good that you did something for your spouse. Perhaps over time as you provide a sexual intimate experience for your spouse you too will see that sexual intimacy is for you too. For now though, for the purposes of the particular focus of this blog – do it for your spouse. Don’t leave em’ hanging out to dry. Water your dry plant.