Why Huma Stays – Why Do Women Stand By Their Man? Marriage Therapist Explains

by Dr. Karen Ruskin on July 27, 2013

Why is Huma standing by Anthony Weiner when his actions have been hurtful? Why do women remain in a marriage when their husband has betrayed them? This marriage therapist explains below the top 7 reasons why women stay in marriages where to the outsider looking in, it seems odd to remain.

In a case such as Huma where political stature, financial means, intellect, and beauty appear to be solid, why would she stay? Huma is not alone. There are many women who appear to have solid footing upon which to stand on their own, that they don’t “need” their husband. Thus many ask; why stay if you are not reliant on your spouse? Reliance is not the only reason for remaining in a marriage, there are many others that drive a woman to stay. Many are suggesting it is purely a business decision. What does Dr. Karen Ruskin, AKA The Relationship Expert and reliable media guest expert on all topics relational say?

Why A Woman Stands By Her Man – Top 7 Reasons

  1. Marital Philosophy/Love – Philosophical belief in unconditional love, protect your spouse and stand by him no matter what. “In sickness and in health” mentality. There are many women who can love their husband while hating their actions – yes, at the same time. These 2 emotions, thoughts and feelings can co-exist.
  2. Rationalization – Rationalizing what he did by making sense of his behavior (e.g., he has an illness, he was overwhelmed, his childhood affected his coping methods into adulthood).
  3. Compartmentalization – Compartmentalizing/separating out the view of one’s spouse versus the other part of who he is (i.e., his hurtful actions). The good part of this man is the man I knew and know him to be versus, this “other man”. This “other man” is not the man I know nor the man he really is. Therefore, the wife puts the ugly view of him in a box and rather keeps the view she wishes to view of him in her present conscious mind as the focus of who he really is and thus can and will be.
  4. Vision Of What Was And What Will Be- The man she believes he was, remembers him to be and the man she believes he can and will be is a major drive for remaining in the marriage. This is all about her vision of the life she thought she had and was building toward having and thus is hopeful and believes she will have (e.g., ambitions of being married to a man of political prestige and power, visions of being a 2-parent household . . .).
  5. Energy Already Put In- A woman who has put in so much emotional energy and time into the relationship so far feels overwhelmed to think that was a waste of her time. She wishes to prove to herself and to all those around her that she is right, that she is not a fool to have stayed with him. It is that woman who recognizes the utter embarrassment she would feel to confront herself that she was oh so wrong, and to confront others that she misjudged him and thus misjudged the reality of what was, is, and will be. Thus, her drive is to fight that reality and rather fight to prove she was right to stay.
  6. Child- A woman with a child (children) has a vision of what she wants for her child (e.g., stable family life with married parents). It is important to the mother what she is teaching her child through this marital challenge and has thought about it deeply and determined staying is better than leaving in terms of the message her child receives. Likely the type of thoughts this woman holds includes; wants to teach her child that challenges are to be worked on and overcome- not to give up when the going gets tough. Fight for what you want. Thus, her thoughts are not to leave the marriage when confronted with pain, and rather work hard to rise to a better place as a couple unit to teach her child the “no pain no gain” philosophy).
  7. Male Philosophy- A women’s philosophical belief about men and their behaviors impacts the choices women will make when faced with marital challenges. There are many women, accomplished women who are highly analytical who remain in less than ideal marriages. There are marriages that to an outsider looking in, one would think the wife would kick their man to the curb if hurt since they are accomplished in their own right. No, that is not an indicator. Often it is the accomplished woman, the woman who is a thinker who does remain. Why? It has to do with her philosophical belief about men. Specifically many women in power believe that any man ultimately will do something that hurts them because of their belief that “all men are flawed”. In particular, it is these very same women that believe that men who have the capability to be in power and can rise to that level, must have inadequacies that run deep that with an understanding woman by their side that man will soar. “All great leaders have illness” is the thinking mentality. Especially when it comes to the topic of cheating. Women who marry men who they believe are powerful often believe that the type of man who goes for what he wants at times will get himself in trouble. It is this assertiveness that at times plays out as impulsiveness. It is this very thinking that keeps women with men who cheat.

 

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